#Jokes please give generously

Sandford_Grecian wrote:

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses...

She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," she knocked on wood.

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

I am going to complain to the mods about that joke. Alzheimer's is not funny.

Did you know????


The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell,Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard
of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

Right that's it.

I've written to my MP, the Herald, James Brent, Michael Foot, Chris Webb, Tudor Evans, Viven Whatsername, The Sun, The Daily Mail AND i'm going to hire a PI to hunt you down.

What's the difference between Tony Hooper and a cnut? A cnut is useful.

How many P.I.'s does it take to find out my address? Only one if they were any good, unlike Tony Hooper.

How do you know if Tony Hoopers been in your fridge? There's a disabled womans address and phone number in there.

What do you get if you give Tony Hooper immodium? No shit Sherlock.

Tony Hooper was sat at the kitchen table for hours so his wife says what are you doing looking at that carton of orange juice Tony? "It said concentrate on it"

Tony Hooper's car breaks down so he gets it towed to a garage and after the mechanic has looked it over Tony asks, "So what's wrong with it" the mechanic says "Just shit in the carburretor" "How often do I have to do that" says Tony.

Tony Hooper goes to the doctor and says his whole body hurts. The Dr says, "Your whole body can't hurt Tony, are you sure" Tony says "It hurts wherever I touch it look" and he starts touching different areas on his body and going ouch every time.

"Tony, you have a broken finger"

Why does it take so many sperm to fertilise 1 egg?
Not 1 of them will stop and ask directions.

Hi Tony, these are for you:

The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.

The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then

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I don't believe these allegations against Jimmy Savile. I met him in Leeds General Hospital in the 1980s and he seemed very nice.

Next people will be telling me he wasn't qualified to perform my prostate examination.

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The BBC have announced that Bob The Builder has been sacked.

They say they can no longer trust any children's TV star who claims to be able to fix it.

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I bet Gary Glitter regrets not asking Jim to fix it instead of taking his computer to PC World.

Yea Man wrote:

Hi Tony, these are for you:

The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.

The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't believe these allegations against Jimmy Savile. I met him in Leeds General Hospital in the 1980s and he seemed very nice.

Next people will be telling me he wasn't qualified to perform my prostate examination.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The BBC have announced that Bob The Builder has been sacked.

They say they can no longer trust any children's TV star who claims to be able to fix it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I bet Gary Glitter regrets not asking Jim to fix it instead of taking his computer to PC World.

I don't know why people keep knocking Jimmy Savile. When I was 8 he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded

Can't believe how two-faced that Jimmy Savile was. 15 years he did the adverts for British Rail. Turns out, he always prefered riding Virgins...

The Cliff Richard "joke" on the farm has itself slipped into the shadows...........

Jimmy Saville's last request was for his ashes to be put into an Etch-a-Sketch so that kids could continue to fiddle with his knob.

BREAKING NEWS : A gang of dyslexic vigilantes have just beaten up Jimmy Somerville.

Knowledge is knowing that Cliff Richard could be a fruit, but Wisdom is knowing to delete the joke after every body has seen it.

That is class.

Quality Mock!

Breaking news! Two more have come forward to say they had fingers shoved up their backsides by dead BBC TV stars!


Sooty and Sweep say the abuse went on, with the full knowledge of BBC Management for years!

Boom Boom my arse, here comes savile.

I was playing Football Manager on my PC when I was offered the Scotland job.

I knew it was a shit squad with no future, so I declined the offer.

I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.

My Scouse neighbour has just got his kids three bikes, a 10ft inflatable pool, and a trampoline off the internet.

"Which website were they on?" I asked

"Google Earth" he replied.

Tampax have just announced they will be releasing a tampon with tinsel attached instead of string..... It's for the Christmas period only.

AUSTRALIAN LOVE POEM

Yes there is such a thing, sad as it is!
Who said Australians weren't romantic?

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab
So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.

What's big, green and lives in Alaska? That's right! It's the Statue of Liberty, if you're using Apple Maps FFS.


I know not really a joke but FFs Apple's maps are sheeeeeite, at best!


Sorry - back to the jokes.