#Jokes please give generously

My wife is always telling me that women are like wine......the older they get,the better they become.

So I locked her in the cellar.

Tommy Cooper.


A woman called her butler into her bedroom and said, " James,take off my dress. Now take off my slip and bra. Now take off my stockings...Now don't ever let me catch you wearing my cloths again".

As above.

Do you need glasses??

Look carefully at the picture below.






Did you see the bare butt of the girl in the background?   




If you did see that in the picture, you need to have your eyes checked, as that is the armpit of the girl holding the camera.  




My appointment is at 2 pm Friday.

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasises his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

When a male just can't stand it anymore!

mouldyoldgoat wrote:

Do you need glasses??

Look carefully at the picture below.






Did you see the bare butt of the girl in the background?   




If you did see that in the picture, you need to have your eyes checked, as that is the armpit of the girl holding the camera.  




My appointment is at 2 pm Friday.

A man sees what he wants to see. I did.

You oxter fetishists make me vomit.

BREAKING NEWS: Badger Cull compromise found.

Govt still keen on the method to be used but have agreed to let Emile Heskey do the shooting

Or chadwick.  

mouldyoldgoat wrote:

Or chadwick.  

They did think about Chadwick, decided against him in the end as the actually wanted to kill SOMe badgers!

Mrrapson wrote:

mouldyoldgoat wrote:

Or chadwick.  

They did think about Chadwick, decided against him in the end as the actually wanted to kill SOMe badgers!

Problem using Chadwick is that he could get sent off even before seeing a Badger.

The good thing about using chadwick (for badgers) is he couldn't hit a barn door with a banjo!  

More breaking news coming in.

Apparently chadders has been roved from badger duty for elbowing one of them off the field of play.

In an interview after the event the badger apparently said "his ginger hair glowed giving him away and I just thought right you bastard I'm having you" chadders reacted angrily and defra removed him from the field.

mouldyoldgoat wrote:

The good thing about using chadwick (for badgers) is he couldn't hit a barn door with a banjo!  

Chadwick couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat.

We might have to form a new Football Club to give Chadwick a free transfer to.

None of the existing clubs in the known world have shown any interest at present.

Sheridan has said that there have been no inquires for any of his players.....I assume that would include Chadwick.....even with elbows tied down.

Police in Brixton arrested a Pakistani couple in an Adsa Car Park this afternoon.

Apparently they were trying to sell their baby for £15.

Asda called the incident 'horrifying' ...

but also 'proof of its unbeatable everyday low prices.

Mrrapson wrote:

Police in Brixton arrested a Pakistani couple in an Adsa Car Park this afternoon.

Apparently they were trying to sell their baby for £15.

Asda called the incident 'horrifying' ...

but also 'proof of its unbeatable everyday low prices.

Of course the joke reads equally well (or not) if you remove two words.

Police arrested a couple in an Adsa Car Park this afternoon.

Apparently they were trying to sell their baby for £15.

Asda called the incident 'horrifying' ...

but also 'proof of its unbeatable everyday low prices

An old man went to the doctor for a check-up and when the doctor finished examining him, he said to the old man, "you're in good shape,you'll live to be eighty."
The old guy said, "but I am eighty." The doctor said,"see,what did I tell you ?"


I went to see my doctor today. he hasn't been feeling well lately !


My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath,but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath !

Tommy Cooper.

Pokesdown wrote:

Mrrapson wrote:

Police in Brixton arrested a Pakistani couple in an Adsa Car Park this afternoon.

Apparently they were trying to sell their baby for £15.

Asda called the incident 'horrifying' ...

but also 'proof of its unbeatable everyday low prices.

Of course the joke reads equally well (or not) if you remove two words.

Police arrested a couple in an Adsa Car Park this afternoon.

Apparently they were trying to sell their baby for £15.

Asda called the incident 'horrifying' ...

but also 'proof of its unbeatable everyday low prices

Is this Adsa a sister Supermarket to Asda.....we don't seem to have any around here.

It's a shop for the Lesdixit

Pokesdown wrote:

Mrrapson wrote:

Police in Brixton arrested a Pakistani couple in an Adsa Car Park this afternoon.

Apparently they were trying to sell their baby for £15.

Asda called the incident 'horrifying' ...

but also 'proof of its unbeatable everyday low prices.

Of course the joke reads equally well (or not) if you remove two words.

Police arrested a couple in an Adsa Car Park this afternoon.

Apparently they were trying to sell their baby for £15.

Asda called the incident 'horrifying' ...

but also 'proof of its unbeatable everyday low prices

Or the EDL version:

Police in a renowned no go area for whites in Brixton have taken no action against a pair of Islamist fanatics who were selling white babies for cash which was to be spent on the impending war Muslims are waging against decent hard-working whites who have lost the streets their forefathers fought against Hitler to keep British.

If this were a white couple you can be sure that they would've been arrested and charged but because the politicians pander to these terrorists and encourage them to arrive here with nothing and they are given houses and jobs if they want them or benefits for doing nothing if they don't fancy lifting a finger. Then of course all of their family will arrive and start to create Muslim only areas forcing white people to live like dogs in their own country.

Once these colonies have been created then the hate is preached against the people who have let these ungrateful scroungers into their country. There will be preachers calling for all whites to be killed and for Muslims to rise up against the tyrannical white devils who enslave them.

The Muslims carrying out the sale of stolen white babies are of course all paedophiles as well but again this is ignored by the authorities who allow them to live their filthy lives in our country.

ASDA were too afraid to make a statement as most white people are for fear of reprisals, but at least it's owned by an American firm unlike the filthy Jews of Tesco.

We will be holding a sponsored walk into Brixham this Saturday where we urge REAL British people to join us and to carry pool cues, pick-axe handles and baseball bats in a friendly protest about our streets being lost to the Muslim scum.

British humour is often brutal .....

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.
Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.

Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on
dvd.

I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”

Well that was when the trouble started


...Those fuckers have no sense of Humour!!

Paddy is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny


mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top
of her thighs.


To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.


The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you
looking at my vagina?"


"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.


"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll
make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.


Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder
vagina can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares
in amazement as the vagina winks at him.


"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.

Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick a
couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Paddy replies, "You're kidding—you mean it can whistle, too?”

The train was quite crowded and, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window'.

I was working at my local supermarket rearranging washing powder, when my new girlfriend came in and saw me.

"You told me you were a stunt pilot you lying cnut!" she said.

"No" I replied. "I said I'm part of the Ariel display team."