#Jokes please give generously

A man wakes up in hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness". "Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it".
The man groans, but the doctor goes on "You have £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but don't come cheap. It's roughly £1000 an inch".
The man perks up.
"So" the doctor says "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. On the other hand, if you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day and asks "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have" says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're going to have a new kitchen".

Bravo gasser9

the missus lost a tooth last night eating peanuts. to be fair, I did warn her not to rustle the packet while football was on...

Lying in bed last night the missus says, "I think the romance has gone out of our marriage"

I wish she wouldn't talk to me whilst I'm having a wank.

A bloke is watching a film on tv with a church and creepy organ music. He suddenly yells, "don't go in the church you daft cnut"
The wife wife asks him, "What are you watching?"
"Our feckin wedding video"

There is a Brothel at the top of the hill, with a large red light at the bottom.  There a four men in the vicinity.  One is in the Brothel, One is walking up the hill,  One is walking down the hill,  One is sitting in his car at the bottom.  From the information given can you determine where in the world the men originated?  (scroll)























One in the Brothel = Himalayin (Himalayian)

Walking down the hill = Finnish

Walking up the hill = Russian

Whilst Paddy is sitting in his car waiting for the light to turn green.

A guy's driving around the backwoods of Devon and he spots a sign in front of a run down old farmhouse:' Talking dog for sale'. He rings the bell and the owner comes out and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes in to the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever.

"You talk" says the guy.

"Yep" replies the dog.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk he says " so what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says " well I discovered I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI6.  In no time at all they had me flying around the world from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no one thought a dog could be eavesdropping"

" I was one of their most valuable spies for 8 years"

"All the flying around was very tiring though, so I retired and got a job in airport security. I used to wander around listening in to suspicious looking characters and uncovered some incredible dealings. I was awarded a stack of medals for my services".

" I got married had a load of puppies and now I'm just retired"

The guy is amazed and goes out and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"10 quid" says the owner

"10 quid but the dog is amazing, why are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a bullshitter, he's never been out of the backyard"

Two guys were sitting in a coffee shop trading story's of their youth. The one says to the other, " what's the worst day of your life". The second man says, "well, it happened to be my 25th birthday, I decided it would be fun to parachute from a plane. I booked the lesson and up we went. When we finally got up to altitude, the instructor knifed my chute and told me I had two choices, I either let him have his way, or jump. Oh my god says the first man, did you jump? The second man looks up with a scared look in his eye and says........" A little bit at first.........."

Painting the Church.


There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.  

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
 
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.  
 
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.........  
 
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool.  He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:  
 
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"  
 
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..  
 
(you're going to love this)
 

"Repaint!  Repaint!

And thin no more!"








   











 
 
 
 

























--

The other day I needed to go to the local NHS hospital but not

wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue jacket and

pinned on a plastic ID card that I had made off the Internet

onto the front of my jacket.


When I went into the hospital, I noticed that 3/4 of the people

got up and left.  I guess they decided that they weren't that

sick after all.  Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

   
It also works at all supermarkets. It saves me hours.


At the Laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice

of any machine, most still running!


Just a warning though......


Don't try it at McDonald's though..... The whole staff

disappeared and I never got my order !!!!!


Also.......... never wear it while trying to get a taxi !!


Here's the patch.  Feel free to use it.

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.


She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice.





As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a pound coin in the saucer.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the quid for?'

'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day


and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'.



He said, 'F**k him. Give him a quid.'



She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Some flowers.”

“That’s right” the boy said, “but how did you know?”

“Oh, just a wild guess,”" she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.”

“That’s right, but how did you know?” asked the girl. “Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

“Is it wine?” she asked. “No,” the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. “Is it champagne?” she asked. “No,” the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, “I give up, what is it?”

With great glee, the boy replied, “It’s a puppy!”

knecht wrote:

Exeter aiming for Europe.

And hit Australia?

As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Obama
strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons;all is going well.


Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Obama and says:

"Mr President, please, accept my deepest regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," responded:

"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

Moral of the story: "Silence is Golden"

I took a job aptitude test and it didn't make for pleasant reading,

I've no people or practical skills and am unable to use logic or reasoning.

It recommended that I become an internet forum moderator.

Mrrapson wrote:

I took a job aptitude test and it didn't make for pleasant reading,

I've no people or practical skills and am unable to use logic or reasoning.

It recommended that I become an internet forum moderator............. on Pasoti.

 

Mrrapson wrote:

I took a job aptitude test and it didn't make for pleasant reading,

I've no people or practical skills and am unable to use logic or reasoning.

It recommended that I become an internet forum moderator.

Thats not very nice Leigh!

I hope you are going to post that on pasoti in the interest of equallity and fair play!  

mouldyoldgoat wrote:

Mrrapson wrote:

I took a job aptitude test and it didn't make for pleasant reading,

I've no people or practical skills and am unable to use logic or reasoning.

It recommended that I become an internet forum moderator.

Thats not very nice Leigh!

I hope you are going to post that on pasoti in the interest of equallity and fair play!  

Would they get it?  

For any pasoti'ites that was firmly tongue in cheek

No!  

I would share the joke about Mary Berry and a soft knob of butter but Barry Cryer didn't get to the punch-line.

Something for seniors to do to keep those "aging" grey cells active!


1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May....What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 shoes....What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language...is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.....How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. ...Why not?

8. What was the President 's Name...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race,...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,..."The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?



Here are the Answers:


1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

Answer: Johnny of course.

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [ You're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ...]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.



IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD



1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.



Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8)You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

I have posted this because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category!  

West Ham

A Muslim man was shot this afternoon in Nottingham by a masked assailant armed with a starting pistol. Police believe it was race related.

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.