#Jokes please give generously

Linkin

Love the Daily Mash.

me too

Earlier this year, a group of bikers were riding out when they saw a girl about to jump off the Humber Bridge . So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Policeman who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the Policeman, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

Was this a real life experience for you Knecht?  

George is my middle name.

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.'

I told him 'Wow, I wish I had your will power.'

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fast shutter speed that it is now possible

to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business.

I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think

to yourself I'll have that......

Mothers in therapy...

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.'

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, "Whisky.'

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: 'Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy.'

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Fanny and Willy and go home.'

One for Seadog...

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

Ba bum tish!

What's black and white and can't walk through doors?
A Nun with a spear through her head.

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained:

"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any feckin Frenchmen to show it to."

My mate Paddy called me last night.

He said, "My dog had nine puppies 12 weeks ago and now apparently they are worth £600 each."

"feckin hell, mate," I said. "Drinks are on you then!"

He said, "I'm not selling them."

"Why not?" I asked.

"Well," he said, "if they're worth £600 each now, can you imagine what they'll be worth in 10 years?"

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."

”Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

This boxer got a terrible beating in the first round.

He staggered back to his corner and the manager whispered, "you won that round."

He got a terrible beating in the second,third and fourth rounds as well and every time the manager said,"you won that round."

The fifth round was the same....he was massacred.

He staggered back to his corner and the manager said, "attaboy,you won that round as well,"

The boxer said,"then tell the referee to give him the next five rounds and call it a draw !"

Tommy Cooper.

My best punch was a rabbit punch,but they wouldn't let me fight rabbits.

Tommy Cooper.

There was this fellow.

One day his wife said,"get out of bed and get a job."

His friend said,"so what happened? did you go out and get a job?"

He said,"are you kidding? where can you find a job at five o'clock in the afternoon ?"

Tommy Cooper.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who the feck did your hair?"

My neighbour just confronted me about stealing his wife's washing of their line. I literally shit her pants.

Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap.

I'm going to hell

http://www.break.com/video/ugc/passion-of-christ-the-wii-game-416987