#Jokes please give generously

Enjoy yer fags!

FFS.

Scotsman Englishman and an Irishman drinking in a pub and had just started on the first round when a fly had landed in each of their drinks.

The Englishman refused to drink his and ordered another.

The Irishman blew away the froth and carried on drinking.

The Scotsman said "go on...spit it oot ya wee bastard"

South African toilets are now all fitted with these.

Man goes into a shop and puts his cock on the table
Assistant explains "sir this isn't that kind of a shop, we're a clock shop"
"That's ok" says the man "just put two hands on it then"

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*cking bread you ignorant bastard."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't bloody well got any f*cking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your chuffing beak to the chuffing door you irritating bastard of a f*cking bird!"

The Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No, it's a bar not a DIY store..."

Duck replies: "Got any bread?"

My wife has packed her bags and gone because of my pasta touching fetish.

I'm feeling canneloni right now

Nooooooooool
Just put an end to the ''JS in the bar at 3am thread'' on the farm following legal advice from his ''top lawyer''.
If you actually read the rules about rumours etc and defamation then this is hardly a rumour that will end up in the High Court. Its all linked to who reads it and whether those readers can influence JS's future employability etc.
Big bad Noooooool has spoken - just wet myself again.

Who is Catwomans favourite footballer?

Ben Purrrrrrrrrrrrington

This is a true ''joke'' with a joke inside. ASDeeeers had that advert series a while back with the phrase ''roll back''.
Now(true) for a while I was picking up my son from work at 00:30 and had to drive past Asdeeers (open H24) in Penryn to get to him. One night I popped in to get a couple of bits and ended up in a small queue (all male) at the one checkout open. The till operator was a lady of about mid 40s looking quite respectable. While queueing some chap said something that was mildly funny and we all sort of chuckled. I had now reached the checkout and while scanning this lady said ''do you want to hear a joke?''
I said ''yeah ok'' and me and the 2 chaps behind me looked at her. I was thinking ''here we go with a knock knock who's there type joke''
She said ''some chap walked up to the ciggy counter - slapped his dick on the counter and said ''go on then roll that barsteward back''
Stunned !!!!!!!

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the middle of nowhere.
As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

A Glasgow couple are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so the husband says,
"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a bloke. Tell him you charge a hundred pounds.
Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."
She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a fella pulls up and asks "How much?" She says, " £100.? He replies,
"All I got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on," and runs back to the husband and asks. "What now. What can he get for thirty?? "A hand job," the husband replied.
She runs back and tells the bloke all he gets for thirty quid is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car.
He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back.."
She runs back to the husband.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Any chance you could lend this bloke £70?"

A man walks into the doctors and says "Ive got a piece of lettuce hanging out of my arse." The doctor takes a look and says "it's worse than that it's only the top of an iceberg."

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years!

I was driving to work this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself
that guy's heading for a breakdown!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over!

Chap walks into the doctor and says;

"Doctor, i've got a mince pie growing out of my arse"

Doctor says;

"Don't worry, i'll give you some cream for it"

Another chap goes into the doctor and says;

"Doctor, i can't stop singing Tom Jones songs"

Doctor says;

"It's not unusual"

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought
to myself, they've lost the plot!!

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . "Bugger that" says
Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

A wife says to her husband "you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back". He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!

Just shagged a girl from Devon

She was so fat, I couldn't Exeter

lawnmowerman wrote:

Just shagged a girl from Devon

She was so fat, I couldn't Exeter

Booooooooooo. Get off.

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