#Jokes please give generously

Just been stuck behind a tractor all the way into work Some nutter on the back of it shouting We re all doomed The end is nigh
The worlds gonna end tomorrow
Turns out it was Farmer Geddon

punchdrunk wrote:

Just been stuck behind a tractor all the way into work Some nutter on the back of it shouting We re all doomed The end is nigh
The worlds gonna end tomorrow
Turns out it was Farmer Geddon

That actually made me laugh!

whats worse than a girl guide in your pocket,,,,,? a brownie in your pants,,,,

how do you tell one end of a worm from the other?,put it in a bowl of flower and wait till it farts

This is the time of year when all of the naughty children get nothing for Xmas. They have nobody to blame but them elves.

Irish couple turn up at a hotel for their honeymoon and ask for the bridal suite.
"Do you have reservations?" the receptionist asks.
The girl replies "Well.......I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse"

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said, 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said, 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whiskey.

Seamus said, 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers! '

They downed their drinks.

Murphy then said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said, 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy answered, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

seadog wrote:

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said, 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus said, 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whiskey.

Seamus said, 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers! '

They downed their drinks.

Murphy then said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said, 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy answered, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

Just had a parcel from Holland,
when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny.
"That's nice," I thought,
"two lips from Amsterdam."


My Dad worked on the
council's roadwork department for twenty years
before he got fired for stealing.

At first I didn't believe it, but when I got home all the
signs were there.

My girlfriend says that a small penis won’t affect our
relationship.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't
have one at all.

>xxxxxxxxxx

A woman is walking down the street
and saw a sign in the pet shop window
reading, "FANNY-LICKING FROG
£25" curious the woman proceeded inside and
said to the shop keeper,
"I'd like to see the fanny-licking frog please."
The shop keeper
replied, "Bonjour! Mai oui!"


I was on a train this morning, in the loo, when a voice called out,
"Can I see your ticket please?"

"Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a shit."

"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."

"No problem," I said. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn!"

Lol.

I told my psychiatrist I have problems talking to attractive women.

She told me to get out.

When I was in Africa recently we went to a show outside a small town, there was this huge black bloke with a massive crocodile, the man wrestled the croc, tied it front and back legs tightly with strong cord and went and stood in front of it. First he got his cock out (which in true stereotypical fashion was huge) he then started to slap the croc on the top of it's head until it opened its mouth, he then popped his cock inside the crocs mouth right in the corner. We all went deathly quiet, all the men were crossing their legs and were afraid to watch, he then started to beat the croc about the face still with his member inside its mouth! Anyway after about two or three minutes he withdrew his cock and said to the crowd, "is there anybody else that would like a go?" an old lady at the back of the crowd replied "I will as long as you don't slap me about the head."

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Secret White Feather factory found in Portsmouth.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!

Person Of Interest wrote:

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!

Like that  

For sale, disabled marionette. £25 ono, no strings attached.

I know a bar where after the fifth drink they give you a test to see if you're sober.

They draw a white line on the floor and if you don't trip over it,you're okay.

(Tommy Cooper)

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

A question for Mapperley, darling and Lawnmowerman. I ask for your advice because you know about these things....  







... does my lawn need cutting?

She is very nice mouldy, but whats she like at hoovering and diy?

or cutting the grass

Not very good but she makes up for it in other ways!  

This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return. The HMRC has returned the Tax Return to a man in Evesham after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.


In response to the question "Do you have anyone dependant on you?", the man wrote:-

"2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 90,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 649 self serving lying ponces in our Parliament and the entire European Commission".


The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.


The man's response back to HMRC was "Who did I miss out?".

(_*_) = Arsehole (__*__) = Fat Arse (*) = Tight Arse

mouldyoldgoat wrote:

A question for Mapperley, darling and Lawnmowerman. I ask for your advice because you know about these things....  







... does my lawn need cutting?

your lawn is fine, but her bush needs a trim