More jokes!!!!

A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims,

"He's pissing in the fridge again!"

A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine
restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,
suddenly
noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but
the
woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the
way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman
appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion
had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me,
ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't.
He just walked in the door."

A married couple had been out shopping in the town centre for most of the afternoon.



Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".



The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money at the time and said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"



Wife, with a smile, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop."

Text I received yesterday:

A bunch of Alien Women have landed on Earth and are abducting men with huge cocks. Obviously, you're not at risk, but I'm just texting you to tell you this Spaceship is f**king awesome!

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

What Christmas is really about

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what
do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.' *

And So The Christmas Season Begins......* ****

In trouble with the wife again.....

Last night in bed, she says "If you turn the light out, I'll let you stick it up my arse"

Perhaps I should have let the bulb cool down a bit first.

Cerbera wrote:

In trouble with the wife again.....

Last night in bed, she says "If you turn the light out, I'll let you stick it up my arse"

Perhaps I should have let the bulb cool down a bit first.

Just read a fantastic recipe book, "I ate the world's hottest curry and lived" by R. Stornoway

I ordered a Chinese last night, the chink delivery driver turned up at my door, gave me my food and said " A£22 pound prease"I smiled and said "Can you tell me the name of Jordans blind son?"He said "Harfey Price"I replied "Cheers Ting Tong, heres eleven quid now feck off!"

A guy is driving around the back roads of Cornwall and he sees a sign in front of a broken down farm house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.


After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI6.


In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten quid,' the guy says.

'Ten quid? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bullshitter . He's never been out of the yard!

The Pope was on a papal visit to Liverpool. He was walking amongst the scousers carrying out all sorts of popery, when a young man stepped in front of him.

'How are you my son' says the Pope.

'I'm worried Holy Father' says the man. 'It's my hearing'

'Perhaps I can do something about that' replies the Pope, and with that puts his hand over the man's ears whilst quoting a Latin incantation.

'Has that helped your hearing' asks the Pope.

'I don't know', says the scouser, 'it's not until next Wednesday.

How do you tell when you've run out of invisible ink??

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have fim (pre-digital I know).



More???

Keep them coming

Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship the the other night when the presenter said, "She's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court", I just happened to glance at the wife for a second and it all kicked off.

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am.. But let me ask you something.

"If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you
ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a
> table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits
> on a stool at the bar.
>
> The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
>
> Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.
>
> Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
>
> Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
>
> The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
> gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.
>
> On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
>
> Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
> Pat: - 'Scuse me.... No offence meant, but me and me mate were
> wondering what you do for a living?
>
> Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
>
> Pat: - Oh? What's that then?
>
> Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ..... Do you have a goldfish at home?
>
> Pat: - Er ... Mmm ........ Well yeah, I do as it happens!
>
> Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a
> pond. Which is it?
>
> Pat: - It's in a pond!
>
> Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
>
> Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
>
> Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you
> have a large garden then you have a large house?
>
> Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ....... Built it myself!
>
> Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical
> to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
> quite probably married? And with a family?
>
> Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
>
> Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
> with your wife on a regular basis?
>
> Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!
>
> Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
>
> Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!
>
> Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
>
> Pat: - How's that then?
>
> Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
> about your sex life!
>
> Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!
>
> Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
>
> Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
>
> Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
>
> Seamus: - What's that then?
>
> Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
>
> Seamus: - Nope
>
> Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker

Private Eye

Winner of the best joke at the Loaded Laftas Comedy Awards?

"Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes".

Laugh? I almost did.

‎"Houston, we have a problem"......

Ramsey strikes again

Arron Ramsey scores:
vs Man Utd - Bin Laden dies.
vs Tottenham - Steve Jobs dies.
vs Marseille - Gaddafi dies.
vs Sunderland - Whitney Houston dies.

Bobby Brown has also just been found dead in his hotel room. The suicide note just said "Two can play that game"

Bit out of date but....Just got a Jehovah's Witness Advent calender.......every time you open a little door,someone pops out and tells you to bugger off.

My mate saw a job advertised in the jobcentre - 'Fanny waxer required'

Sounds interesting, he thought, so off he went to get a job description, which was as follows:

Remove pants from lady, wax fanny, and rub oil in as necessary.

Just the thing for me, he thought so off he went to hand in his application to the Jobcentre in town.

'Right', said the official, 'can you go to Cornwall?'

'Of course' he says, 'is that where the job is?'

'No', said the official,



'That's the back of the queue'