#Jokes please give generously

Greenjock wrote:

BBC news just showed 3 women who claimed Jimmy Saville interfered with them in the 70's.

It showed them as they look today and what they looked like when they were molested. The caption read, Now then,now then, now then.

JD Sports are doing Jimmy Savile memorial tracksuits. They have an adult sized top but you have to squeeze into kids bottoms.

Too much?

I guess Megan Stammers' 'What I Did On My Holidays' essay is going to be a hell of a read.

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

I was walking up the road when I saw Jimmy Savile frantically trying to scrub off the words ''pedo pervert'' that had been spray painted on his front window.

''What's been going on Jimmy?'' I asked.

''feckin kids.'' came his mumbled reply.

Dirty bastard.

The FA report which explains why John Terry was banned for four matches and fined £220,000 is 63 pages long.

They must've used a very large font to write "He's racist."

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says: "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!" Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

With all these allegations being made, I think Jimmy Savile's silence on the matter speaks volumes.

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?' Peter said, 'I am sorry, but
I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at
the dinner table

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your
good manners?'

I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet
after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.


Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.


For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.


Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.


Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.


Success is a relative term - it brings so many relatives!


Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.


Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice..

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES!
YES!

I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men... are men.

There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it to find a young man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ."
I said "Come in and sit down."
I made him some coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before."

What has Jimmy Saville and acne got in common ?
They both come on girls faces when they are 14............ hows about that then ?



'Dear Jimmy, I'm a big fan of the violin...Could you fix it for me to spend a day with a fiddler?'..
From Megan 12.

Jimmy: "Jackpot".



jimmy savile's last request was that after his death his ashes were to be put in an etch-a-sketch so that kids can still fiddle with his knob!




News flash: scores of dyslexic parents have just beaten up Jimmy Sommerville.



Whats the difference between a Greyhound & Jimmy Saville ? At least the Greyhound would wait for the Hare to appear.......



What's brown, stinks, is six inches long and you wouldn't want to find in your kids bedroom?

..
Jimmy Saviles cigar



What have Jimmy Saville, Margaret Thatcher and Arthur Scargill got in common?They all shafted minors during the 80's!



It's nearly Halloween, and i need an outfit to scare the kids with - anyone got a red tracksuit blonde wig, jewellery and a cigar i can borrow ?



Nobody has pointed the finger at Rod Hull yet,

I saw him on the BBC repeatedly fisting a young bird throughout the 1980's.



Now then, now then, now then...McDonalds have just announced their latest burger....The McSavile Sandwich - 84 year old meat between 13 year old baps!!!



I see Jimmy Savile's family have removed his headstone, along with all the flowers growing alongside, out of respect to his victims.

So, that just leaves a small hole with no bush around it - just what Jimmy would have wanted!


When will these allegations about Jimmy Saville ever end.
Police are now saying Jeremy beadle had a small hand in it....


The eighties TV scandal is getting worse ..... Turns out that Morph was a playdophile !!


One of the 9 Asians accused of grooming young girls in Rochdale is known locally as .... Jamaal Fixit.

One sick individual, now universally loathed by a nation for shafting the innocent...seen here with Jimmy Saville.

Chemical Ali wrote:

One sick individual, now universally loathed by a nation for shafting the innocent...seen here with Jimmy Saville.

Some crackers there CA.

Greenjock wrote:

Chemical Ali wrote:

One sick individual, now universally loathed by a nation for shafting the innocent...seen here with Jimmy Saville.

Some crackers there CA.

This is the winner

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses...

She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," she knocked on wood.

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

An elderly Lady called 999 on her mobile phone to report that her car has been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The operator said, "Stay calm An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."


He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck.." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..


"To get my teeth!"

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough.."

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Sandford_Grecian wrote:

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses...

She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," she knocked on wood.

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

I would like to complain about that joke. Alzheimer's is not a funny thing.