#Jokes please give generously

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Myers store

and shyly walked up to

the woman behind the counter and said,

"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "

"What type of bra?"

asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around,"

said the saleslady,

as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color

and material imaginable.

!



"Actually,

even with all of this variety,

there are really only

four types of bras to choose from ."

Relieved, the man asked

about the types.

The saleslady replied:

"There are the Catholic,

The Salvation Army,

The Presbyterian,

And the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?"



Now totally befuddled,

the man asked about

the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded,

"It is all really quite simple. .



The Catholic type

Supports the masses;

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."



Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used

to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why,

but couldn't figure out

what the letters stood for,

it is about time

you became informed!



(A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there...

{C} Can't Complain!...

{D} Dang!...

{DD} Double dang!......

{E} Enormous!...

{F} Fake...

{G} Get a Reduction...

{H} Help me, I've fallen

And I can't get up!...



Send this to

all that will appreciate it!



They forgot the German bra.

Holtzemfromfloppen

All seamen are sex mad........ true. Even the inshore variety

Those long night watches..........

Colonel Gaddafi has been caught!

The UN have decided to put him somewhere he will do no harm to anyone, he's going up front for Argyle.

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert .

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel.

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."

Sandford_Grecian wrote:

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert .

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel.

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."

Har de har !

I went into a shop to get a Dracula costume for a fancy dress party, however the girl reappeared with an Exeter City strip!

You must have misunderstood me I said, I want to look like a count.

Ha Ha

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect
woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively
took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married,so you came to the right place. Look
'em over and pick the one you want.'
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out
with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
'Well,'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.'
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he
did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I
want to marry'
So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic
human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen
considering the beauty of the parents.
'Well,' explained the farmer,

'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
Pregnant when you met her.'

He Said To Me!



He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?




He said to me ... . .......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and fart



He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!



He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... . They don't have time.



He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.



He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.



He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.



He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed..
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge

Hey that's not bad

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow!....................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. ..............'Get your own f**king blanket.'
After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It’s really spoiled my need for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.



She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?
“Morris Fishbien,” he replied.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”
“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”
“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. ”
“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”






“
Like I’m talking to a fucking brick wall!"

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night sleep.

I kid you not...
New Wine for Seniors





California vintners in the Napa Valley area,
which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new
hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as






PINO MORE








I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE


I just could not help it.

Sorry!

You are forgiven.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.


It doesn't have any feet or legs.


The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'


The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'


'Holy crap,' the guy replies.


'You actually understood and answered me. !'


'I got every word,' says the parrot.


'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.


'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.


You can't see it, because of my feathers.'


'Wow,' says the guy.


'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.


I'm especially good at ornithology.


You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'


The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag.


'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.


You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers £20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.


The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.


The guy is delighted.


One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.


'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'


'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.


'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'


'Yes.


Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'

Just found all this at Dog Texts

It sounds a bit like Greenjock as the owner and Rappo as the dog, funnier though.

a friends band fromthe eighties were in czechoslovakia, as it was then, and got pulled oiver by the roz. they emptied the van out and all sorts of sordid paraphenailia tumbled out, being 14 chaps in the transit. one magazine caught the coppers eyes, as it stood out above all the others. it was called pez, czech for dog, and the owner of the mag was fined for being a dogshagger! no joke, reality.

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap..'

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
Head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
It that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus didNOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
Or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

have you swallowed the happy pills today, sandy?

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, quickly
undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever....






Which is odd because she's never shown an interest
in darts before.