More jokes!!!!

Dave drowned and at his funeral we bought him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.It's what he would have wanted.

The new Premier Inn advert states that 'Everything is Premier apart from the price".

Well, sorry to be a pedant but even by the highest of standards, five years is steep.

To be honest, the sad news of Bert Weedon's passing away has struck a bit of a chord with me.

knecht wrote:

Greenjock wrote:

Welcome on board Keepitgreen

Yeah but s/he is going to have to work hard to keep up the standard of that joke.

Just seen these posts - thank you. I'm a "he" by the way and I shall try to keep up a high standard especially about my favourite subject:

Michael Barrymore has offered Manchester United £1 million pounds to play as their striker because he wants 10 pricks behind him and 67,000 assholes jumping up and down.

Q: What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
A: God doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. fan?
A: Skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Finally found my wife's G spot














Her sister had it all along.

My wife said to me "you only want sex when you're drunk".


I said "that's not true love...sometimes I want a kebab".

Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a
table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits
on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Pat: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Pat: - Er ... mmm ...... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?
Pat: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?
Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ....... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married? And with a family?
Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Pat: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!
Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Seamus: - What's that then?
Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Seamus: - Nope
Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker

I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house. I think he's lost his rag.

I've just been sacked from my new job in the Wines and Spirits section At Tesco.
A Muslim came in and asked if I could recommend a good port.
I said “Try Dover ”

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'