More jokes!!!!

Welcome on board Keepitgreen

Greenjock wrote:

Welcome on board Keepitgreen

Yeah but s/he is going to have to work hard to keep up the standard of that joke.

An Argyle fan worked as a van driver around the South-West. Completely bored, his hobby was splashing Exeter fans with puddles, creeping up on them and blasting the horn and his favourite, bumping up the pavement and chasing them with the van. One day, he spotted the local vicar waiting at a bus stop so he offered him a lift. After 20 minutes of polite conversation with the vicar, the van driver spotted a familiar red and white shirt on his left. Without thinking he turned the van hard left and went charging along the pavement. Suddenly, remembering his passenger he pulled back on to the road.
"I'm so sorry Father, I don't know what came over me."
"Don't worry my son, I got the wanker with the door"

Paddy goes to see his mate Mick. Mick has a broken leg. Paddy says "how you doing Mick?" Mick says "not too bad mate, but my feet are freezing, you wouldn't run upstairs and fetch my slippers would you?" "Course" says Paddy and off he goes up the stairs.

Mick's stunning 19 year old twin daughters are sitting on their beds having a chat. Paddy say's "Hi girls, your dad sent me up here to shag you both" "bollocks" say the girls.

Paddy says "I'll prove it to you" and shouts downstairs "both of 'em Mick?"

Mick shouts back "Course you idiot, what's the use of f--king one of them?"

I was standing in a queue behind a very fat woman with a huge arse,when her phone starts to bleep. A little boy behind her says 'f--k me, she's reversing!'

This is lifted form Herb on pasoti. I hope he won't mind me copying it to here...... tough! I laughed out loud (even more so in the particular thread on which it was posted..

"I just went out panic buying stamps and ran out of petrol."

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?

They drowned in Spring Training. ...

Merv Plummer

If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of
them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

Merv Plummer

The FA have announced that any player passing to Andy Carroll will be yellow carded, for time wasting

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Dave, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Dave and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Dave snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Dave shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Dave into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Dave sat up and watched me all night."

Clever Anagrams



PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS :
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS :
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS ! NO MORE
Z'S


A DECIMAL POINT :
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE



AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.


'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.


'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'



'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'



It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'



'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.



'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'



'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'



'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

THIS'LL WARM THE COCKLES OF EVEN A COLD COLD HEART


This letter was sent to the South Shields High School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for pensioners. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.. This story is a credit to all humankind.
Dear Shields High School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Old Age Pensioners luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Laygate home for Elderly Ladies. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone.... I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed to have the chance to tell her to feck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Yours sincerely,

Ella.

Went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil. Mmmmm the plot thickens!!!

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Sod that," says Mick, "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

How to tell the sex of a fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone".

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified.

They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing but I have my suspicions something weird is going on. Yesterday I saw 20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.

I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show......

I just bought a friend of mine a new fridge, you should have seen his face light up when he opened it.

A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators, you know, just a little house warming present.

My wife has had a pair of knickers stolen off the washing line and she well p#ssed off!

She's not worried about the knickers, she wants the 12 pegs that were holding them up the line back.