More jokes!!!!

Whats 6 inches long and won't get sucked this Valentines? Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

JOKE JOKE JOKE!!!! I thought it was funny but I'm afraid the name couldn't be changed. Please don't cast a spell on me!

There is a word for this type of post.................








































































Funny

It's OK Knecht - many people less worthy than you have been making the same point for months now.

fabio capello has quit his job as england manager.

an italian abandoning a sinking ship, who would have thought it?

the owners of the costa concordia have stated that their next captain will be quaranteed not to hit anything...............fernando torres starts work on monday

Cinderella's off to the ball.Before she goes,the fairy godmother says "If you're not in bed by midnight,your fanny'll turn into a pumpkin". At the ball,Cinderella starts dancing with this tall,handsome chap. "Whats your name?",she asked him. He said "Prince Peter,the pumpkin eater.What time do you have to be home tonight?" Cinders replied,"Oh,about half past six".

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by
one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, '
No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy,
with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty
in a while. I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said 'No' .. I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and
I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens
when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a
female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
did too they were laughing so hard!

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

A couple were having marital problems. For Valentines' Day, they decided to do the right thing and they contacted a marriage counselor.

Several visits followed when lots of questions were asked and lots of listening carried out. Eventually the counselor felt that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the women and asking her to stand up, he gave her a big hug.

He turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once every day."

The husband frowned, considered what had been said for a moment, then replied, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

Irish Shopping.

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole
lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune.

Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we’re thickos from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on my best English accent.

Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da
business said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll
take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of
trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load ‘em on, so
I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners".......

Sandford_Grecian wrote:

Irish Shopping.

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole
lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune.

Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we’re thickos from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on my best English accent.

Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da
business said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll
take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of
trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load ‘em on, so
I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners".......

Does that make me a racist ?

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's a short drive.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

Sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.

People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!

I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there.

So far, I haven't been in Continent; but my travel agent says I'll be going soon.

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT:

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied. How big is your army?'


'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

I was having a shit in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.
He said, "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a shit!"
He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"
"No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."

Man walks into the kitchen one morning after heavy drinking session the previous night. On seeing his wife tending to a pan on the stove he asks "what are you doing darling?" She replies " I'm just doing what you asked me do when you staggered in late last night,I'm cooking your sock"

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the
afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"






"No...........I'm a rabbit in Norfolk!

Paddy and Mick get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says, "The plane can only take four of those."

The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.

However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick,

"Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," says Mick.


Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.

Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two"!


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"

Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."


Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with your wife.

The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.

"Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday"!


Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.

Mick says, "Oh no, Paddy, what ya doing?"

Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter.....


The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.

They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.


Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.

3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.

2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.

Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.

Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?

Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me

They had a player called Bush last night snigger snigger, copyright Jamesy Design on Pasoti. Almost as funny as ADT

After a busy day, he settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap as
far as his destination at Winchester, when the chap sitting near him
hauled out his mobile and started up, "Hi Darling, it's Quinten I'm on the
train - yes I know, it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting -
no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the Boss. No Darling,
you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart etc., etc."
This was still going on at Wimbledon, when the young woman opposite,
driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,
"Hey Quinten, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed !!"

Greenjock wrote:

They had a player called Bush last night snigger snigger, copyright Jamesy Design on Pasoti. Almost as funny as ADT

I feel blessed that I was born the East side of Dartmoor <snigger>

God help you if you come across excuse the pun a player by the name of O'Toole, or Wholey or heaven forbid have to play Oldham

A nun, badly needing to use the loo, walked into a local public house. The place was alive with music and loud conversation.

Every once in a while however the lights would turn off. Each time the lights went out, the place erupted into loud cheering.

When the revellers saw the nun, the room went completely silent. She walked up to the barman and asked, 'May I please use the ladies?'

The barman replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun, 'these things don't interest me'.

The barman duly showed the nun to the loo at the back of the pub.

After a few minutes, she came back out and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

Confused, the nun went up to the barman and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did the customers applaud me just because I went to the ladies?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the barman. 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you. I still don't understand though' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the barman, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf up on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?'

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."
The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
and one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help
but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said,
"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Man Utd fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Man Utd fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you
raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Man Utd fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Man Utd fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Liverpool fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Liverpool fan?'
'Because my mum is a Liverpool fan, and my dad is a Liverpool fan, so I'm a Liverpool fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Liverpool fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time..
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would
you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Man Utd fan.