Facebook

Believe me (3 teenage children) Facebook is the least of your worries. In any case they have moved on from it now to other phenomenon. Snapchat being the communication of choice now (before that it was riot aranging Blackberry Instant Messaging).

When they first went on (at 11) I insisted that they added myself and their mum as friends. They naturally added various aunts and uncles and family friends so there was some sort of monitoring going on.

As far as the internet in general is concerned any device they use should have parental controls for site blocking etc installed on them. There is a big bad sexualised world out there in internet land.

He has had conditions in place already, he has continuously broke each one, The ex does not help by enforcing any rules in general let alone facebook, she just wants an easy life, waste of oxygen to be honest

Iggy wrote:

GOB wrote:

Take him to the woods to climb a tree.
Show him what a conker is and what to do with it and a piece of string.
Show him how to make a dutch arrow.
Build a mud dam with him.
Build a den with him.
etc.

My boys have done all that, they have also researched on you tube how to make a pipe bomb.

  

Dane. wrote:

He has had conditions in place already, he has continuously broke each one, The ex does not help by enforcing any rules in general let alone facebook, she just wants an easy life, waste of oxygen to be honest

"He that has no children brings them up well" (Spanish proverb).

If there's one thing you're guaranteed to have when raising a child is a never ending run of advice from other people (me included) as to how to actually do it.  

I'm guessing your lad is with you for only a limited amount of time each month and spends most time with his mother? In which case I think, for the present, you're going to lose any battles over "rules and freedoms". It was no accident that the characters in "Lord of the Flies" are of a similar age - most 11 year olds have no sense of behaviour and limits of responsibility and can be unrestrained malevolent anarchists given the chance. However, I think if you persist with your notions of "rules and limits" then - even if he does break them now - he will come to learn that they were there for a reason and that your standards are different from those of his mother.

It could be argued that if you don't give him an opportunity to break the rules (by doing something else, where it's impossible for him to get near a computer), then effectively there are no longer any rules for him to wilfully break.

Good luck and I sympathise with your situation.

My two went through a period when they were about 9 & 7 & they complained that their 'time for bed' call was too early. It wasn't fair because all their friends were allowed to stay up later.

We held firm for a while before I checked at the school gates with other parents what their bed-times were. Some said a bit earlier, some said a bit later and most said around the same time.

There's a moral there if only I could think of one.

It doesn't sound as though you have much opportunity for control of your kids from a distance. Neither does it sound as though you have much say in how your (ex-)wife deals with them when you're not there. Best thing is not to engage in conflict. That would be damaging for everyone involved but most importantly for the kids.

I have spoke to him briefly, I have had enough and told him that he needs to improve with his maths in school (as he is below where he should be) told him that he has lost his facebook until his behaviour and school work returns to an acceptable level, in addition to this when he goes bed at 9 he needs to leave all his devices downstairs so there is no distractions, hopefully the ex will en-force this, ( I can only try and put things in place ). As a sweetner I told him in school holidays he can do what he likes in the evenings as far as bedtime is concerned etc.

then I almost dropped down dead when he asked if he could go to the oceana under 18 night. he got a straight out no with that as well, but all seems to have been accepted and ill have a more in depth chat with him tonight and explain why im protecting from the world so much

I have an 11 year old and a 1 year old sons with an 8 year girl in the middle, so im getting a full spectrum of parenting at the moment,

Touch times and I have a feeling its only going to get tougher

Iggy wrote:

GOB wrote:

Take him to the woods to climb a tree.
Show him what a conker is and what to do with it and a piece of string.
Show him how to make a dutch arrow.
Build a mud dam with him.
Build a den with him.
etc.

My boys have done all that, they have also researched on you tube how to make a pipe bomb.

  

Facebook? I'm pretty damn sure I don't want nearly all of my proper friends knowing what I'm doing, let alone casual acquaintances !

Facebook can be very very dangerous !

There's a lot of budding Pasoti moderators on here.
Sounds like he is being used as a pawn in a parental stand off.

If both parents have no common agreement on how to proceed....then the answer is simple.....no facebook.

snag is in any breakup like this the kids end up being treated like a 'friend' by the parent(s) usually to try to make up for the guilt/hurt everyone feels.

problem is he is an ELEVEN year old BOY - streetwise or whatever he is still a CHILD and will think like one.
maybe let him think you're letting him by a 'big' boy but cutting the slack but any transgression and the 'big' boy needs to be reminded being a big boy has responsibilities.

Playing one parent against another happens in successful marriages as well as in broken ones....it is very difficult to deal with......if only we where all born with hindsight....but the internet is a dangerous place....where those that want to target young people can do it behind the anonymous cover of a keyboard....maybe it is best to be a little heavy handed at times to protect your offspring even though they won't thank you.

Playing parents against each other is perfectly normal and positive. It's how we as children learn to deal with differences, make judgements, learn about relationships etc. It's how those significant adults deal with that 'splitting' that is the critical issue.

You have to build up trust with your kids, it's not easy but you have to give and take. I would say to go to Oceana for night would be good but I would have it on condition that his maths scores start to improve.
A friend told me a story the other day that is quite relevant,
My friend S has a son who she thinks is quite wild (he is a fifteen year old who is quite gobby and boisterous but is a good kid IMO). Anyway she is always trying to control who he hangs out with in the village where they live. I tell her that she needs to trust sons judgement in his friends as you can't be there all the time.
Recently when it was sunny all the boys went down to the river, the boy went with his mates from the village. All his mates decided mid afternoon that they were going into Tavvy, he is banned from going to Tavvy with his mates so he stayed by the river. A few lads from Plymouth were there and they gave him a can of cider and shared some spiff around with him. My friend had to go and pick him up from there because one of his mates came back to find him and he was having a whitey and in a pretty bad way. The lads from Plymouth had scarpered. Funnily enough it was one of the bad lads that did the decent thing and phoned his mum and made sure that his mate was safe.
Hopefully a lesson learned there.

I loved it when my parents weren't speaking - double pocket money. Facebook's shite, you should soundly beat this child before he starts playing something like Farmville.

As a parent with three internet aware children, I've yet to experience the 'perils' of the internet with any of them - I actively support them when they want to watch Katy Perry videos on Youtube.

Dane, you should make the other parent aware that you're upset. Without obviously calling her a 'waste of space'. Bringing up kids is proper difficult and I doubt you'll negotiate a mutually acceptable resolution to this by being insulting. Also, monitoring what your kids do to a finite extent will end in tears. Sometimes, I think my kids are better at being 'sensible' than I am. I've certainly made more mistakes than they have. Sometimes, kids surprise you just how 'wise' they are. Having said that, my five year old is really dense sometimes. She'll believe everything I tell her.

From experience, ignore the crap from the other partner, ride the storm and accept that the difficulties are born from emotion and will one day be straightened out. When that day comes you find that you have a wonderful relationship with your children.