Plymouths Got Talent

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Many thanks to all those of you who came to the Plymouths got Talent auditions. We had a massive 7 people turn up to Pavilion's to take part. We never knew Plymouth had that many talented people.
Anyway, the judges (Sparksie, Judy, Max and Carol from Janner FM and Tommy Tynan) after much deliberation, have managed to narrow it down to 5 finalists. You will see just how a talented city we are.
The finalists,

Name: T Evans. (Councillor)
Talent: Magical Bullshit
Description: Mr Evans wowed the judges with his David Blaine like illusions. First he did that sea to ocean bullshit trick, then he somehow managed to spend £85,000 on something that no one wants or needs without anyone noticing. Unbelievable. Judy said "that was a truly astonishing feat. We have no idea how you did it"
Tommy said "you're a tw@t"

Name: Mike Brown (Yardie)
Talent: Speed walker. Description: Mike impressed the judges with his ability to go from a coma like deep sleep to walking 1mile in under 2 minutes. Mike set his alarm for 15:43pm, went to sleep for 5 hours then bam, woke up and he was off. He told them how he honed his skill working at a nonspecific yard where boats dock somewhere in the Plymouth area. Max and Carol loved it "you truly are a credit to this city" they said in unison. Sparksie wasn't as keen though "I dont get it, looks to me you're just a lazy cnut"

Name: Simon Banany (student)
Talent: Multi Skilled
Description: 12 year old Simon blew everbody away with his skills. He juggled 4 footballs on his head whilst singing Wonderwall and playing guitar along to it with his feet. He also performed several acrobatic tricks whilst juggling fire and eating 3ft swords during his routine.The judges gave him a standing ovation. Things were brought back down to earth when Tommy asked him how old he was and where was he from. "I'm 12 and from West Park" he replied. "West Park? Well sorry son but you're fecked. Once you hit 13 you'll discover tits, minge, beer and smack. Game over"
Judy said "fair point"

Name: Tracy Fadass (professional lazy fat ass from Onik No)
Talent: Derren Brown type mind tricks.
Description: Tracy went on to the stage with nothing but a piece of paper and a pen. She filled out the blank spaces on the form and handed it to Councillor Evans who was still in the audience. The whole auditorium fell silent for a few moments. Tracy stood on the stage waiting with her arms held out. Then, just like magic, Mr Evans walked up and handed her some key's to a brand new car!! Then followed Sky tv subscription, double glazing, free bills for life and a holiday to Ibiza. Judy was astounded "I've never seen anything like that, brilliant form filling in skills"
Tommy was on the phone quitting his job.

Name: The Kevs (unemployed)
Talent: Mixed martial arts display team.
Description : Estover lads Kev and Kev have been performing their routine in pubs and clubs all over Plymouth for nearly 2 years now.The two best mehts stand on stage and drink 4 bottles of MD 20/20 (early alcopops) as quickly as they can. Once done,Kev asks other Kev what he had for tea. Kev says that he had Macaroni Cheese. "Macaroni cheese? Are you a fockin puff?" And that's it, that simple All feckin hell breaks loose and they end up nuttin, biting and booting each other in the face. As a surprise element, if a member of the audience trys to intervene 34 of Kev's mates pile in and smash the poor fuckers lungs in before running away. Genius.
Max didn't really like the performance, he was under the desk hiding (he's not a gayer though)Tommy was gripped by it all but just said at the end "feckin pair of bell ends"

So congratulations to all the entrants its going to be a great final.
Ticket details coming soon.