CZARCASM YOU HAVE A PM

...In a cat suit, high boots and carrying a rolled up copy of the new pasoti agreement shouting...

Feck me this is a heavy tome, but well worth a read, which way is?..................

..." the Gents please?" Then, almost immediately, Stapes, realising the depth of the mess he'd got himself into, was straight on the phone in a desperate attempt to book flights to Dubai. "All booked up I'm afraid", said the travel agent, "but we do have flights to Larnaca, Cyprus?" "I'll take them!" yelled Stapes, and was there in a flash, to be greeted at the arrivals lounge by none other than....

one half of that great double act, The Internet Bullies, former member of Village people and well known insurance expert, wielding a flashing cricket bat in an attempt to...........

....swat away the mosquitos residing in his beard. This resulted in self-inflicted concussion, and a spell in a Cypriot hospital, where they misread the medical notes and treated him for....

...penile erectile dysfunction. This intense Viagra-based treatment resulted in him having to wear over-sized jogging bottoms so as not to scare....

the fans of ......

AEK Larnaca, many of whom had been waiting patiently at the hospital gates, hoping for a glimpse of....

Stapes, who they thought was Des Lynam, well known in Cyprus for..

....his world record breaking moustache, which is so long it can....

...only be matched by Fatima Whitbread. Meanwhile, back in good old Blighty, the fans of Plymouth Argyle were voicing their frustration at the lack of quality signings. They bombarded the Herald newsroom with messages such as...

... "This must not be allowed." Whereupon, Peter Ridsdale ......

....got up from feeding his tropical fish, and offered Argyle Youvel Tsoumou for...

...the princely sum of....

....five magic beans and a pair of stout walking shoes, which is a bargain compared to....

...£500,000 for Steve McLean. However, after much heated discussion, Tsoumou couldn't accept the £14,000 a year salary offered by Brent, and so was shown the door. When quizzed about the negotiations, Brent blew his top, screaming...

"iv'e blown my top"...

... we need the money for a big flag and ...

..."that's it, i'm not speaking to you lot any more, all PAFC communication will now come via the President, and will be posted only on our sister-site Pasoti. That way we can ensure...

..... we will soon be playing in the Premier league, whereas Abramovich ......

...can't even afford to buy a few ties because...

..... a Scottish scientist has developed a car that can run on alcohol induced urine, rendering oil as useful as......

...a razor is to Des Lynam's upper lip. Speaking of that fine follicle-filled filtrim...

.....makes me hanker for my old handlebar, which went missing on a visit to.....

.... Istanbul. But I will save that story for another time. Meanwhile, back in .....