Janet and John first appeared on Exeweb, but fortunately - or not - it is now on here.
For those unfamiliar with the pair, they are currently in care, as their alcoholic father chose to pursue a relationship with a pre-op transexual, who has since been written out of all storylines, so as not to offend anybody in this situation.
At the children's home Christmas Party, guest entertainer, Grecian the Lion, suffered first degree burns following a fart lighting episode that back fired. Admitted to the R' Devon and Exeter, his agent, Bernard Poultice, promised Janet and John VIP treatment for Exeter's big match against Sheffield Wednesday for coming to see the fake fur lion.
It is half time in the Ivor Doble Suite at St James's' Park. Wednesday edged a close first half, going in 3-0 at the break.
Janet and John are at the finger buffet helping themselves to sausages on sticks.
"Cockbollock knob butter. Look at that old grose schwein, spitting in the quiche Lorraine." says a startled Janet.
It was Sheffield Wednesday's new Director of Football, and former local MP, Roy Hattersley, who was talking to City Chairman and Deal or No Deal star, Noel Edmonds.
" Sheise. Mein gott. What's with all the spittle on the savoury snacks?" says Janet.
"I am merely drooling my dear, as Exeter have out on a very good spread.", says the Life Peer.
Noel Edmonds interjects before Janet can swear further, and takes young Janet to one side.
"So Janet, are you enjoying the match?" says the bouffant haired celebrity.
'What do you feckin think? Of course I am; seeing Exeter getting turned over."
"Here's the £500 we agreed on."
Edmonds discreetly presses a brown envelope (called a bung in football speak) into young Janet's hand.
Janet had been the key witness in a recent trial. The youngster's skillful lying, and the lure of £500 helped to convict an 81 year old pensioner for throwing a colostomy bag at the TV presenter.
"There, you can buy a lot of sweets with that. Now go on...piss off, and watch the half time musical interlude." Edmonds says abruptly.
Janet pockets the cash, and retires to the buffet where she tucks into the sherry trifle.
Wednesday's new Commercial Manager Phil Oakey asks John if he has seen Grecian the Lion.
'Have you seen Grecian the Lion, young boy?" says Oakey.
"He's in the toilet", says John.
Janet looks at the legendary Human League frontman.
"Your hair looks feckin stupid. Are you a bender?", says an inquisitive Janet, her face covered in custard.
The 'Steel City' popstar smiles, and heads for the toilet.
Oakey is due to perform a duet of 'Don't You Want Me' with the Lion in the Ivor Doble Suite, and the Lion is playing the Bontempi organ.
But, the Lion has his arse hanging out of cubicle one, as Steve Perryman rubs calamine lotion on his tail.
"It's not what it looks Phil", says the Lion. "Ever since the skin graft, I have to lubricate the tail with witch hazel, and Mr Perryman kindly agreed to help out.
"Fair play. Hey Stevo. Isn't it uncanny that you were captain of Spurs when we were miming on Top of the Pops?"
"Love Action. I like Love Action", says the former Lillywhite skipper.
"Keep Feelin' Fascination... or the lion's tail!" says Oakey.
And with that the trio burst out laughing.
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Sun Feb 12, 2012 7:20 pm
